The Eyepatch Lady Screws Up
by SkyeFlier42
Summary: Madame Kovarian (Eyepatch Lady) starts out by hiring a human assassin to take out the Doctor. As you would imagine, it completely backfires. Rated teen for mild swearing, annoying Scottish dialects, and general badassery.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I no more own Doctor Who than I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer (sigh).**

**A/N: Madame Kovarian (Eyepatch Lady) starts out by hiring a human assassin to take out the Doctor. As you would imagine, it completely backfires.**

"You want me t'do _what_?" I stared at the tall woman in front of me.

"I told you, your target is the Doctor. You will take him out with as little commotion as possible. Is this understood, Miss Graham?" Madame Kovarian's eyes (well, eye, seeing as she was wearing an eyepatch) seemed to bore straight into my soul. I looked defiantly back into her eyes.

"Did ye honestly think it would be a problem? This man looks like a puppy. He'll never suspect a thing." My confusion was over the fact that this insane woman wanted me to kill some random man who lives in a blue police box. Who lives in a police box? It's basically a wooden refrigerator box with a phone!

"Of course not, Miss Graham. I was simply making sure you understood your operation."

"Perfec'ly, Madame Kovarian. Will that be all?" I stood to leave the cramped office.

"You may go. Remember, you have one month. Don't disappoint me, Felicity."

Yes, I know. My name is Felicity, and I'm an assassin who prefers daggers to guns. Ironic, isn't it?

I strode out of the cramped office and into the hallway, which was just as cramped due to the soldiers that lined both sides. They saluted as I passed, so it was like a wave of salutes.

Once I got out of the underground headquarters, I realized I was in a desert. I sighed. The exits lead somewhere different every time, I swear. Last time it had been the red panda exhibit in the Central Park Zoo.

A helicopter was waiting around the other side of the massive pyramid behind me. I bounded into the back, and the pilot saluted me. "Enough wit' th' feckin' salutes!" I exclaimed.

"Sorry, ma'am. Protocol," the pilot replied. "Where to?"

"First of all, where the 'ell am I?" I asked.

"I honestly couldn't say, ma'am," the pilot replied. "Probably Egypt, if that helps."

"Well, good enough," I sighed. "Get me to an airport. Kovarian covers m' travel fees, am I right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good." We flew for roughly an hour, and arrived at what was quite possibly the smallest airport in the history of the universe.

"Thank you, soldier," I said to the pilot. He saluted again. "I said no salutes, idiot!"

"Sorry, ma'am."

I spun on my high heeled boot and strode into the airport. Surprisingly, there was a line for tickets. I tapped the shoulder of the man in front of me. ""Scuse me, sir, but d'ye know where th' next flight's goin'?"

He turned, looking startled. "The next one's to Madrid," he said warily. "Where're you headed?"

"London, as quick as I can," I replied.

"Same here," the man said. "Transporting that," He jerked his head towards a bulky object off to the left. My eyes followed where the man had gestured.

It was a blue police box.

"Broken," said the man. "Figured that London's the best place for repairs. I'm the Doctor, by the way. And you are?"

**A/N: Is this man **_**really**_ **the Doctor? If he is, then why does Flik not recognize him? More to come!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. Take your complaints to Moffat.**

**A/N: Flik is confused, just like the rest of you. Deal with it.**

"Hi. I'm Flik Graham. I was sent 'ere by an insane woman with an eyepatch t' kill ye!"

Definitely not the best way to start a conversation. Don't worry, though. That's not what I said.

Instead, my jaw dropped down to my toes. This man looked nothing like the pictures Madame K. had showed me. The pictures showed a man with a big chin, a fez, and a bowtie. This man was incredibly skinny, not wearing a fez or a bowtie, and had absolutely no resemblance to the pictures. I played innocent.

"Doctor? Doctor who?"

"Just the Doctor. Who are you?"

"Flik," I replied. _Dammit, Flik. You're undercover. Get with the program! _

"Flik who?" Oh, now he was trying to be funny.

That's when I realized I was next in line. "Ticket for the flight to Madrid," I said to the clerk. "Aw, what th' 'ell, firs' class."

The clerk stared at me. Yes, I suppose a 5'2" ginger Scottish chick _would _be intimidating to a random airline clerk in the middle of effing nowhere. "What? Are ye deaf?"

"N-no."

"Then get me a ticket."

"I need identification, ma'am."

I sighed and pulled out one of my various fake IDs. The clerk scanned it and I paid him with the card under the same name as the ID.

"Well then, miss-" He paused to look back at the ID. "-Tyler, you're good to go." He handed me a ticket.

"Did he say Tyler?" the alleged Doctor asked.

"Yes. What's it t' ye?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just that I had a friend with the same last name."

"Honestly," I asked, "Do ye 'ave _nuffin'_ better t'do than pester me?"

"Nope!" The man strode after me towards security. "What seat do you have?"

"3A, why?"

"Because, incidentally, I have seat 3B."

I rolled my eyes. This man was either mildly insane or, well, extremely insane. I kind of wanted to punch him. Good thing that was my occupation.

"Let's go, shall we?" The man grabbed my bag from where I had set it and started off towards security once more.

I walked through the metal detector, and, not surprisingly, it went off. "Ma'am, did you empty your pockets?" The security guard looked at me suspiciously.

"Of course," I said sweetly. "I 'ave no idea what could've set it off."

"I'm afraid you will have to do the full scan," the guard said. "Please step inside." He gestured to a large, intimidating (if you're insane) machine.

I rolled my eyes again and stepped in. It took roughly thirty seconds, and then the guard pulled me out. "We can't let you keep those boot knives, ma'am."

"Nonsense," I said. "Why would I 'ave weapons on me?" I gazed deeply into the man's eyes and snapped my fingers in front of his face. He looked at me blankly.

"Go right through, ma'am," he said, still looking a bit dazed.

The Doctor stared at me. "Did you just trick an airport security guard into letting you onto a plane while carrying multiple deadly weapons?"

"Possibly. It's one of my many talents." The Doctor raised an eyebrow. He then proceeded to board the plane.

"Your surname isn't really Tyler, is it?"

I followed him and sat down in the seat across the aisle. "What tipped ye off? Th' knives, or th' three other IDs in my wallet?"

"Both. But mostly the fact that you looked startled when you were addressed as Miss Tyler."

This guy was good. He would need to die fast. "What are you, Sherlock 'Olmes?"

"What are you, a government agent?"

I wanted to say, "_Exac'ly the opposite, smartass._" Sadly, that would blow my cover entirely.

"So, where're ye from?" I asked, changing the subject to less sensitive topics.

"Originally the planet Gallifrey, but I prefer not to tell people that, so I say I'm from London."

The London comment matched the profile provided by Madame K., but another planet? That's just insanity.

"Oh, there's the TARDIS," the man said, gesturing out the window to where the blue police box was being loaded into the cargo bay. "Hopefully, someone in London can get it repaired."

"You named your police box?" I looked at him incredulously.

"Of course she has a name, I can't very well just call her Sexy, now can I?"

This was really starting to scare me now. "Are ye feelin' alright?" I asked. "I'm pretty sure its _not_ normal t' name a police box... ye said... Tortoise?"

"TARDIS," the Doctor said, looking mildly annoyed. "It stands for Time and Relative Dimension in Space. TARDIS is quicker to say, though."

"Where exac'ly do ye take a time machine fer repairs?" I asked, deciding to play along. I was starting to see why Kovarian wanted him dead, not that I was certain this was the right guy.

"I was hoping Jack Harkness could take care of it for me. Or maybe UNIT."

Now I was really confused. I'd worked for a man named Jack Harkness before, and I was pretty sure he wouldn't know anything about time machines. Not that I thought it was actually a time machine. If this guy actually turned out to be insane, I would just stab him in the back and run. Far, far away.

**A/N: Flik, fearless teenage assassin, is afraid of a potentially insane man with a time machine. Well, who wouldn't be?**

**How does Captain Jack enter the story? Tune in to chapter three, to be uploaded at an undetermined future date.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Doctor Who. Sigh.**

**A/N: Just so you know, I will attempt (keyword "attempt") to update once or twice a week. Just know that I have school and finals coming up, so that schedule might go a bit wonky. I apologize for the current lack of action and the short chapter. Next time.**

The Doctor was quiet (mostly) for the rest of the flight to Madrid. There were a few completely random outbursts of things (I think he talks in his sleep), like "ROSE!" and once, out of the blue, "Bananas are good."

When we arrived at the airport in Madrid, the Doctor said, "Don't go argue about tickets." He held up a strange wallet. "Psychic paper: It'll get you right onto the next flight." We walked up to the next gate and he handed the woman his ticket, and started to hand over the "psychic paper", but I knocked his hand out of the way and handed the woman a ticket.

He gaped at me in confusion. "Wh-what was _that_?" he asked. "There is no way you could have a ticket already."

"Oh, it was easy. I jus' hacked into th' airline site while we were on th' plane, forged a ticket under my fake ID, and used th' projection printer I developed on my smartphone to print th' image onto this paper, makin' it look like I printed a ticket from home."

I rattled all of that off in one breath.

"Projection printer?"

I was stunned. I talk about hacking into an airline's security, and he asks about the _technology _I had used to do it.

"Yes, projection printer. Th' camera of my smartphone contains microscopic pressurized ink cartridges that can spray ink onto anything to precisely replicate th' image shown on the phone when th' camera is scanned over th' object."

He was still staring at me in amazement. "That is quite possibly the most genius technology I have ever heard of from this millenium."

Ok, he was still going on about the whole "time machine" thing. Fine.

We reached our seats, which, incidentally, were next to each other again. He was quiet again for most of the flight, but, right when we pulled up to the gate in London, he spoke. "How would you like to come with me to get the TARDIS repaired?"

Well, if I was supposed to kill him, sticking with him would be easier.

"Why not?" I replied.

This was where the entire job just went completely off track.

**A/N: Finally, this plot might get somewhere! I have discovered that I am really bad at writing elaborately detailed long plots, so I'm trying something new. I apologize for the stupid conversations. The action begins soon. Stay tuned for the next chapter of Pirates of the Caribbean. Wait. Wrong Captain Jack. Never mind!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Doctor Who, but I swear, my bedroom could be the headquarters of the fanbase. If that's a thing. **

**A/N: And finally, things start to happen!**

We collected the supposed TARDIS and rented a truck. As the Doctor was just closing the tailgate, I stole his keys and got into the driver's seat.

"Oi!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I said innocently. "Ye can't make me think that you're th' kind of person who drives."

"Good point."

I started the car and the Doctor gave me directions to Jack's place. I hate driving trucks. They're so bulky, and they make far too much noise.

Our destination was a large, office-y looking building in Cardiff. "Let's go in and make Jack come out here," the Doctor suggested. I had no clue what we were doing, so I followed him into the office-y building. It looked somewhat like a hospital, actually.

We strode right past the secretary's desk and up three flights of stairs. "Shouldn't we 'ave asked about an appointment?" I asked.

"Where's the fun in that?" the Doctor replied. "It's much more interesting to surprise Jack."

I shrugged. It seemed easier to just go along with him.

The Doctor shoved open a door on the fourth floor. "Jack, the TARDIS needs to recharge, and I need some help."

The tall, dark-haired man jumped. "What the hell are you- Oh, it's you." he finished anticlimactically.

"Yes," the Doctor replied.

Jack had noticed me. "Captain Jack Harkness, and who are _you_?" he asked. I rolled my eyes.

"Ye know me, Jack," I said simply. "Felicity Graham, at yer service." I bowed extravagantly.

"No, no you don't want to encourage him," the Doctor said. "It'll just get worse."

"Wait a minute," Jack said slowly. "Wait. It'll come to me. OH! Flik! Um, well, um... Hi!" He blushed, and the Doctor looked vaguely interested

You might want some backstory here. A few years back, Jack had hired me to kill a man. Well, duh. That's my job. But, the thing is, he had no clue that, at the time, I was only fourteen years old, and Jack is a bit, well, let's say..._forward_. He didn't enjoy that encounter very much. Let's just say his nose used to be a different shape.

"Flik, you know Jack?" the Doctor inquired. "I get the feeling I don't want to know how."

Jack began to explain, but I gave him a look that could burn through a man's soul. He shut up. The last thing I needed was for the Doctor to figure out who I am.

"Well..." the Doctor said, raising an eyebrow at me. "Let's go back out, then, shall we?"

I nodded my agreement.

We hurried down the stairs, past the secretary again, and out the door.

"So, why do you need my help if you have Flik?" Jack asked. "She seems to be perfectly capable."

"She also seems to deny the supernatural," the Doctor replied. "That's not a trait I look for in someone who will be handling the TARDIS."

I rolled my eyes. Of course I denied the "supernatural". It's not real. Aliens do not exist.

We walked up to the truck. "I think she's got just enough juice to get her to the charger," the Doctor commented.

"So we'll fly her in?" Jack asked. "Why do you need me, then?"

"Babysitter," the Doctor replied, jerking his thumb at me.

"Oi!" I snapped as I punched him in the shoulder.

"That was not in the job description,"Jack said, raising an eyebrow.

The Doctor pulled out a small silver key from a pocket of his trench coat, inserted it into the keyhole of the police box, and turned it. The door creaked open, and he stepped inside. Jack followed.

"How exac'ly are we all supposed t' fit in that thing?" I asked skeptically.

"We'll fit. Come on."

I stepped through the door, expecting a cramped, blue box. Instead, I saw an endless, golden-brown, glowing room.

My jaw dropped. "OK, who drugged me?"

The Doctor laughed. "I love the reaction. Every time."

"It is not possible for a room this large t' fit in a box that small. Well, unless there was a change in dimension...Was that a _portal_?"

Jack and the Doctor both looked impressed. "She's got quite a grip on the situation for one so..._close-minded_." The Doctor glanced at Jack. "How did you manage not to tell her about _anything_?"

"Well, I didn't really get much chance. I gave her her job, and she left."

I raised an eyebrow. "That seems t' 'ave abbreviated th' entire story quite a bit," I said.

"Well then why don't you tell it yourself, Blondie?"

"I. Am. Not. BLONDE."

"Sure you are. It's just a little oranger than most."

"Jack, Jack," the Doctor said. "She is one of the most ginger gingers I have ever met."

"Thanks, Doctor."

"Why are we arguing about your hair color, anyway?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's just a stupid thing 'e started forever ago."

Just then, the doors slammed. I whipped around at the sound. "Doctor, what are ye doin'?"

"It's a time machine, remember? We're taking off."

The tall, turquoise column in the middle of the room began to move. A groaning, whooshing sound emanated from somewhere above us. It continued for a few seconds, and then it stopped.

I ran to the doors the instant the noise had stopped and threw them open. We were a few hundred yards from where we had been.

I turned back to Jack and the Doctor. "OK, ye weren't lying. It's a spaceship, yes, but I 'ave no evidence of it bein' a time machine."

The Doctor looked stunned. "How did that not impress you?"

I sighed. "It did, I'm just very good at 'iding my emotions."

"Very important for one of her profession," Jack said sagely.

"And what would that be?" the Doctor asked casually.

"Currently unemployed," I replied carefully. He gave me a sideways look that was full to the brim with disbelief. Typical.

"We need to get everything set up and then she needs to charge for a while," the Doctor said, "and then we can go look around. Anything odd happening around here lately, Jack?"

"Actually, since you mention it," Jack said, "there have been a few odd occurrences around here. We can take a look if you like."

The Doctor smiled. "Exactly what I hope for every time I see you. I swear, you must be some sort of trouble magnet."

"No, that's you, old friend," Jack replied.

The Doctor began flicking controls on the center column. "Is there anythin' I can do?" I asked. I regretted that almost the instant I said it.

The Doctor looked up with a mischieviously gleeful expression pasted across his face. "You can go outside and keep people away!"

I raised an eyebrow. "An' this is my job..._why_?"

He shrugged. "You could be considered intimidating."

I scoffed. "Intimidatin'? Me? _Never!_"

"You sure about that?" Jack asked. He turned to the Doctor. "She roughed me up pretty bad last time."

I gave Jack another death glare.

"Yeah, well, knowing you, she probably had a good reason," the Doctor joked.

I went outside, and Jack slipped out after me.

"So," he said. "It's been a few years. Does he know that you're supposed to kill him?"

My eyes widened. "An' 'ow the 'ell d'ye know that?"

He rolled his eyes. "You're an assassin. Why the hell else would you be with him? It's not likely he just asked you to come with him, is it?"

I smiled. "Actually, he's the one that started followin' me. I'm not even sure he's the guy I'm supposed to kill. The picture looked way different."

"Oh!" Jack said. "You honestly don't know _anything_ about him at all?"

"Nope."

"Well, that changes things. I'll still tell you one thing, though. You can't kill him. The entire world would basically become a permanent war zone."

"How?"

"He kind of saves the world from time to time-" He broke off and ducked as a knife flew out of nowhere. I slapped my hands together and caught it neatly. "Run!" Jack yelled.

He started to run away from the TARDIS, but I grabbed his arm, swung him around, and yanked him into the box. He tripped over my foot and landed in a heap on the floor, almost pulling me down with him, but I grabbed the door handle and pulled it shut, which kept me on my feet.

The Doctor looked up. "Trouble?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah," Jack replied.

**A/N: This chapter was like three times longer than this, but I cut it in half for consistency. Where did that knife come from? Is it alien, or just human? What will happen with Flik, Jack, and the Doctor? Dun dun DUUUUUUN!**


End file.
